"We were on a break!"

Double whammy: I'm quoting Ross from Friends AND bringing up a relationship story. You see, folks, we really were on a break. For about a year. 

I mention it briefly in this post: Mr. Palm Tree and I were on a year-long break in college. This isn't really a pretty story. I look like - and was - kind of an ass. Although it all ended up well and even though I thoroughly believe that it was necessary, there are parts there were really messy. I could pretty it up, but that's dishonest and really, what's the point? It was what it was.

personal photo | Kind of cheating, this is right after we ended our break - Halloween 2009.

I had just started my sophomore year of college and I just felt different. Over the summer, I rented an apartment with a girl I knew from our freshman year and I just felt kind of. . .steady? For the first time, I felt like I could breathe. I know that sounds dramatic, but so much of my life was rocky and tumultuous - I finally felt like I was where I was supposed to be. I had a steady job, I loved college and what I was studying, I had great friends. I was in a good place.

So, naturally, I panicked. Sigh.

I was working at a local cafe and had been all throughout the summer. I worked the same shift, so I had regulars. One of them was particularly memorable - he was cute and would purposefully get in my line, even if it was longer. One particular day, he mentioned that he had tried to find me on Facebook and he gave me his information.

I know, right? Whoopie. A guy tried to find me on Facebook, so what? I am not justifying my reaction so much as I'm trying to explain it. This was the first time that anyone had given me so much as a second look in years. I've mentioned before that the Palm Trees from a small town; there, I was nothing. I was iced tea and everyone wanted sparkling water, you know? I was awkward and put about zero effort into my appearance, because I was over it and in my own world. I could go on and on about how different I was, how much High School sucked, how little attention I received, lalalala, but it doesn't matter. What mattered, at that time, was that there was this guy, who didn't know me at all, who thought I was cute in my cafe uniform. Whoa.

Summing up what could be a really, really long story: that was the tiny snowball that started an avalanche. Shortly after that, Mr. Palm Tree and I sat down to talk and opted to go on a 'break'. We were so much of each other's lives that we couldn't break up, not fully. We still loved each other, we were still each other's best friends - even then, we knew that we were meant to be. I was all about not wanting to resent each other, not wanting to wake up 25 years down with line with children and think, "why is this my life?" 

Admittedly, Mr. Palm Tree wasn't 100% enthused by the idea. I was honest and explained the situation at work and told him that a year ago, it wouldn't have phased me. Obviously something changed if I even remotely wanted to explore anything. He agreed and also said that if we were going to do this, now was the right time.

That year of my life was ridiculous in so many ways. It was a mess - I was a mess. I rebelled as much as my Type-A, OCD, scared-to-get-in-trouble self could. I threw myself into working out and being healthy so that I felt as though I had control of something. I started getting B's and C's in classes and tricked myself into believing I was okay with it. I slowly let anyone in my life who really knew me fall to the wayside, because I didn't want people to see through anything, ask questions or, worse, tell me to cut the shit. When it came to men. . .well, I don't want to say I g'd up and ho'd down, but I explored my options. We'll leave it at that.

The Palm Trees remained friends, though and close ones, at that. When my grandmother, who I was very close to and cared about dearly, passed away right before Christmas, I went to see him at work while he was on his break. We were talking and he asked how I was. I said, "I'm okay, really. . " and he interrupted me. "No, you're not." And just like all those years ago, he tore right through any pretense I had and just knew. He was there for me, he came home with me and we celebrated the holidays together.

I'm not really proud to say that The Break didn't end there. It kept going - for months. We grew closer and at one point, we were in 'might as well be back together' stage. There wasn't anyone else in either one of our lives and we were acting as a couple. I was holding back, though. I didn't have an answer for the "why?" question that kept being asked, it just didn't feel right. In the interest of complete honesty, I have to say that at any time during this part of our break, I could've ended it. I could've asked Mr. PT to get back together, officially, and we would have. He never stopped loving me, never stopped waiting for me - I know I sound like a jerk, and I was, at that point. I am not justifying my actions so much as explaining them.

That summer, I worked at a camp about an hour away, and we both made certain decisions that weren't necessarily the best. When I came back, he decided: "no more break. Let's not tease ourselves. Of course we're friends, but we aren't playing these couple games anymore." For a few months, we both existed this way. We'd meet up for lunch or dinner and we'd talk every once in a while, but we were in no way together. It wasn't like before; we were on a different, separate level from one another.

Then, as is often the case, the tables turned. I was at a Scholarship Conference in Philly and something just hit me like a ton of bricks: what was I doing? I was going bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S bananas, over what? Why was I doing this to myself and to him? I reached out to Mr. Palm Tree and we talked; I told him I wanted to get my life back together and that I wanted him back. He softly said, "Miss Palm Tree, I don't feel the same anymore."

Yup, I was A Wreck. I was so emotional, I remember listening to sad songs with MOH Mem and crying all the time. I remember grasping at straws and feeling really lost. I focused on school and other things I could handle, but I remember how awful I felt. I remember thinking: is this what I did to him, for so long?

We're both fighters though, and like all things that are meant to be, we found our way back to one another. Mr. Palm Tree says that he had the same moment I did, the same clarity, the same what am I doing? feeling and he just wanted to end it. Those first few months, settling back into being 'official', were rough. We had done things that really hurt each other over the prior year - some intentional, some unintentional. We had to work through all of that and accept that each other's pasts, spots and all, were in the past. We had to promise to be each other's futures.

personal photo | This past New Year's Eve at a local bar's masquerade party.

Here we are, three years later, over the moon about each other, getting married in less than 100 days (!!!!!!!). Before we got engaged, we had a long talk about really letting the past be the past and committing to each other for better or worse. I'm not saying that The Break didn't leave its mark. Every once in a while, something - or someone - will come up and I'd be lying if I said we always handled it like grown adults. For the most part, though, we've worked through it. 

I'm a complete emotional sap and truly do believe that when things are meant to be, they'll find their way. When I say Mr. PT and I are soulmates, I truly believe it, I know it and feel it somewhere deep inside of me. We tried being apart, spreading our wings, sampling other fish in the sea - just about every other cliche you could name, but at the end of the day, it didn't work. We didn't want to be apart and so we made the decision to be together, essentially for good.

One of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite shows, Scrubs, applies perfectly: "Bottom line: it’s couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don’t let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time."

I am so glad that we fought.