What I'm Learning from Wedding Planning

I've been in a really reflective mood today. . .I think partially because I spent a chunk of the weekend in my hometown surrounded by people I considered my second family for most of my childhood and adolescence. BM Tiny Dancer recently graduated from college and as I imagine it goes for any Milestone Event, I got pretty reminiscey.

I digress, though. My point is that as I sat buried in a never-ending pile of crap at work (seriously, people, I'm in Professional Purgatory right now), my mind was in reflective mode. As usual, BM Y and I were e-mailing throughout the day and I was sharing most of my reflections with her.

None of these are particularly mind-blowing or stunning, mind you, just things I guess I never actively thought about so when I realized where my mind was going today I had a sort of "huh, how about that?" reaction. I wanted to share them, though, because I'm sure I can't be the only one who overthinks (understatement and a half) everything. 

• I am an extremely opinionated person (hold your phones, folks: this is NOT the realization I came to today). I'm sure if you asked anyone even remotely close to me to list three words/qualities that describe me, 'opinionated' would make all of their lists. I am well aware of this, in fact, I own it. It's part of who I am and quite frankly, I freaking love it. That having been said, I started wondering today: does being opinionated also make me a little judgey at times? Before today, I would have wholeheartedly answered no. I would've likely added a comment akin to, "I don't judge - you can do what you want with your life, but I'm going to have a thought or two about it." I've been bouncing this back and forth in my head all day. At the request of some very special people in my life, I've been holding in my opinions on certain things. I've only been doing this because it was requested by people whom I care about deeply. Should I start doing it for other things, too? Should I start (GASP) filtering my comments, thoughts, opinions, etc.? To be clear: I am not a talk-behind-back girl, not in the least. I definitely talk a lot but any and everything I say about any and everything could absolutely (and probably has/will) be said in front of whomever it pertains to or is involved, whatever. Still, though, I was wondering if I should just withhold these negative or disagreeing opinions. After all, they don't really matter.
• I then turned the tables, something I do often when stuck in a conundrum. How would  I feel if someone were saying/thinking the things I was about my wedding? Or my planning? And I came to a quite honest conclusion: I wouldn't give a fudgesicle. Now, this isn't to say that if one of my bridesmaids or a family member decided to talk about how "ugly" something was or perhaps tell me how "stupid" my ceremony will be that I wouldn't be affected. Quite the contrary: I would be totally affected, probably angry (and likely hurt, depending on who the person was), but I would also undoubtedly tell the person exactly how he/she affected me and then. . .move on and do it anyway. After all, it's our wedding and I think that's the thing that a lot of people tend to forget as they plan and get caught up in everything. There's a fine line between being considerate of the people involved and one's guests and then losing yourself and your wants, hopes, plans, dreams in the process. I am a big believer in the whole "This Is About YOU and Your Partner" idea - so, if someone thinks my planning process is dumb, or that I'm not doing something correctly; that my blog is unnecessary or my registry is silly (all critiques, mind you, that I have either voiced and/or received) then I have something very simple to say: okay. It's okay that someone thinks this way, it's okay that someone may have these opinions or thoughts. At the end of the day, it's about Jon and I and what we want. If we're happy (and, to a lesser but still incredibly important extent, if our wedding party and guests are at the very least comfortable and able to enjoy themselves) then that's all that really freakin' matters.

• I have to reach out to people for their involvement. I've promised myself that I will not let this blog 'go there' in terms of all of the f'd up bojank that is my past, so in the interest of keeping it simple but still real, I'll just say: I've been disconnected from my family for a very long time. The core by choice (honestly, both theirs and mine) and the extended/outer branches mostly by circumstance. I am learning every single day to rid myself of the bitterness I have for all of this, but that's not the point here. The point here is that I have been taking care of myself (with the help of Jon, of course, and the absolutely stunning, caring and wonderful people in our lives - I am by no means playing the 'Alone' card, just stating that I am incredibly self-sufficient and independent) for literally years now. It is very hard for me to NOT do things on my own - I like to do things myself, I like things to be my way and I really don't like to rely on people to do things (emotional support, however, is a whole other ball o' wax). BM Tiny Dancer's mom joked with Jon yesterday about the type of husband to be and one of the things she said was, "Your girl has been taking care of herself for a long time now, so you can't act like the men around here." 
• All of this having been said: not only is it likely impossible - especially if I want to reserve any semblance of sanity and/or hair - to plan this entire shindig by myself, but I know that there are others that want to be involved. These people, though, likely don't know how or where to start because, well, as BM Tiny Dancer's mom said: I've been doing things by myself for a long time. I've slowly but surely started to take baby steps. I asked a very near and dear friend of mine to be our Day-of-Coordinator because I know that I can't be 50 places at once on the Big Day and I wholeheartedly trust her to make sure things are done the way I want/need them to be. I've asked BM Y to take over a game for the rehearsal dinner. I told Rev. Fun that I don't want to know about or read her ceremony stuff before the Big Day. BM Tiny Dancer told Jon yesterday that he has a "very specific role" in the bridal shower and she'll explain it to him later and (this is a huge one, folks) I didn't even try to get it out of her! These may seem like 'wtf' things to you, but I promise, they're huge for me. True Confessions: I have control issues (a shock and a half to you all, I'm sure) and every bit of each of the aforementioned things involved me relinquishing control, if you will. I am realizing that there are others that want to be involved - parents, for example, of my wonderful bridal party and of course my Future Mother-in-Law and future In-Laws in general - and I have to take the first step in involving them. This is one of the hardest and most intense 'realizations' I've had and even writing this has me a little teary and emotional. I am working on it, though, and I think that is a good beginning.

• It's okay for a wedding to be untraditional. I am so thankful to be getting married in this day and age, really. I am so glad - not just for myself, because I think I'd fight any 'standards' regardless - that I live in a time where it is not only okay, but it is acceptable, to customize everything about your wedding. As kind of but not explicitly stated above: there are a lot of things that we're doing to fit our specific situation. Our situation is far from typical or traditional, so why should we try to fit it into those categories?
• The specifics are a blog post of their own, for sure, but for now I can safely say that although in the past I've worried - and undoubtedly will worry, again - about things like the Father-Daughter dance and chair covers (honest to God, these f'ing chair covers will be the DEATH of me), I've over-analyzed everything realized that it really is about Jon and I. All of the other trappings of a wedding can be added or deleted as needed. I think that reading about anguish another bride-to-be was experiencing and also semi-scolding myself for getting all huffy about the choices of yet another bride-to-be (as a sidenote: nothing makes you realize that you're growing up than receiving a ton of wedding invitations. Really) made me realize that none of the stress is worth it. Of course, talking about this with BM Y also helped in this realization. I think it's one of those things that you know or you already feel, but every once in a while you get caught up in something or another and lose sight of it: do what you (and your partner) want to do. As BM Y so eloquently put it, "just have your stupid wedding." Stop stressing about what other people think or what this and that choice will mean or how it will look. If I decide to go with chair covers (nightmares, friends, I have nightmares about these m-f'ers) it will ultimately be because Jon and I want them; not because they'll look better (they will) or because other people want/prefer them (they do). 

I'm sure there will be a gazillion - at least a trillion - more of these posts as planning continues. After all, I am 341 (EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!) days out and there are, well, miles to go before I sleep. ;) 

As a thank you for reading (and also because I may or may not be slightly obsessed with these photos), I've decided to leave another preview of our engagement pictures. 

Photo courtesy of Limelight-Images | My co-worker calls this my "Fifty Shades" picture, it's totally stuck and now it's how I refer to it as well. Please notice the heels. 

Have you had any reflective moments? What are some of the realizations you've come  to during your planning process? Have you gotten caught up in anything so much that you (temporarily) forgot what was important to you and your partner?

*If you need caught up on all of the Engagement Picture fun, be sure to check out the Picspiration, Spotlight on our Photographers and the Preview of the Sneak Preview posts.