Hive, I'm in the final stretch. I have gone from counting a year and some months, to just months, to weeks, to DAYS. Single digit days at that.
In the interest of full disclosure, I have been a little bit crazier than usual (which is saying something - I'm kind of bananas). There has been so much going on lately that hasn't even been wedding-related. I've been working like crazy, there have been a lot of personal happenings and just general stuff. Granted, it's helped the time fly, for which I am grateful, but it's also found me in a weird place.
I've been so scatterbrained and, well, blonde lately. For instance, I was working an event earlier this week and had to park both my car and the catering van in a parking garage. I lost both vehicles. . .and by 'lost' I mean that I walked the entire seven or so floors of the garage looking for both of them, only to find them both on the first and second levels. I've been unable to focus lately and have caught myself staring off into space or having completely blank moments. It's so unlike me.
Mrs. Sword recently wrote about her pre-wedding depression. When I first read it, I felt for her but didn't really understand - I was still elated and all EEEEEEEEEEE! Don't get me wrong, you guys, I'm still all EEEEEEEEEEE! It's just in the background, now, instead of at the forefront. I find myself in these weird funks where I'm anxiously running through everything that I need to do in my head and at the end, I kind of freak out because I don't see the end result. I don't see us getting married.
I have ALWAYS daydreamed about the morning/day-of the wedding: about getting ready with my girls, about putting on my dress, about our first look, about those final moments before I walked down the aisle. When I think about those times now, though, I got nothin'. Zilch. Nada.
I told my friend B earlier this week that I think one of my biggest problems is that for all of my planning, I'm so, so bad at just BEING. I have always had anxiety issues and I'm kind of nervous by nature, so of course it's fairly natural that these feelings would surface to the nth degree as a Bride-to-be. It's just strange that they're surfacing in this way, you know? I'm not all Bridezilla-y and snapping at people. I'm not all OHMYGOSHIHAVETOGETTHISSTUFFDONERIGHTNOW. I'm not crying at every petal that falls off of every flower. All of those feelings would have been expected, they would have been understood. What I feel is kind of detached and removed. Maybe even a little go-through-the-motions-y.
Excuse the weird Spanish - it's the only one I could find with the actual scene.
Mr. Palm Tree asked me last night how I felt about the wedding and if I was over it. That would have been yet another feeling that I understood and expected (especially after having read about it from countless other Bees), but alas, that's not it, either. I'm NOT over it. I want to get married, I want to have a wedding, I want to look all fancypants and I want to dance and smile and have pictures taken and make memories. If anything, these past few months of hecticness and craziness have made me more in love with Mr. Palm Tree than ever, who has been more patient, helpful and kind than ever. I am ready to marry the love of my life and THAT is one thing that has stayed the same - thankfully. ;)
So, Hive, that's where I am right now. In a weird, surreal place. As these feelings sort themselves out, I'll be getting the random things done that need to be done - like making and printing the programs and place cards, finalizing our timeline, organizing all of the gifts, touching base with our vendors one last time. The odds and ends, if you will, of wedding planning.
As always, I welcome you to spill your beans: what were you all feeling in your single digit days?
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